HOW TO: Go on a COVID-safe date
Dear Raquel,
Tips for going on COVID-safe dates?
Signed,
Single & Ready to Mingle
Dear Single & Ready to Mingle,
Cases are up and morale is down! IDK if I’m finally slipping into a long overdue, anxiety-induced psychosis or if I CAN in fact physically see the serotonin falling out of my brain, but either way — everything suuuuuucks. Sometimes, it’s all too much to handle. I haven’t seen a mouth in public in MONTHS. More importantly, no one has seen mine — or what I have inside of it, which is two rows of exceptionally straight, vibrantly white teeth. The only investment in my future my parents ever made was pertaining to my orthodontia and my mother would be LIVID if she knew five years of glow in the dark retainers and colour coordinated braces were spending their prime years hiding beneath a mask. And if that sounds like the manifesto for the underground, anti-mask club I run in my spare time, it’s because it is. Catch me storming the aisles of a local Wal-Mart near you!
Another reason I need the pandemic to end is because I’ve been playing it pretty fast & loose with the IG story replies and as a result I now have a ton of plans with fringe friends that like my pics. I’m fully booked for 2024 when I can finally overpay for wine inside a restaurant again. I’m excited for it though because honestly, I need to get out. Lately, it’s been a really hostile work environment at the home office — *I* am very mean!!!
Now that I’ve got a couple jokes off, let’s get to your question. Thank you for sending this in actually, because I totally forgot this blog is about dating. I guess I’ve been straying from the theme because right now going on dates is heavily discouraged (read: maybe illegal, idk???) and as evidenced by my other posts, I VERY CLEARLY have #mad literary range and other meaningful wisdoms to impart. Anyway, what I’m hearing is you’re lusting for the warm touch of someone with a pulse? I can’t help you there, but I have put together some pandemic-approved date options you could try were you to somehow meet someone in this hellscape.
Option 1: Make your own string phone! You just tie strings to two plastic cups (make sure they’re at least six feet apart) and talk into it! Works like a landline, keeps you safely distanced and it’s crafty (are we still loving lockdown #DIY these days??? I can’t keep track). This idea is showing my age a bit because if my research serves me correctly, kids come out of the womb using iPhones now? Oh well, in my defense, old stuff is trendy again — just ask Urban Outfitters.
Option 2: Throw a radio on your shoulder and blast your love interest’s favourite song outside their window. This is actually a personal dream of mine so I guess this isn’t really a date idea for YOU and more of a subtweet for anyone who is secretly in love with ME.
Option 3: Match people on apps and then FaceTime them (which is something I wouldn’t do even if you paid me buuuuuuut my therapist LOVES to suggest this). Really though, do people ACTUALLY do this?!?!? I barely want to FaceTime my friends much less a stranger. So on second thought, I take it back, don’t do it! Just exchange IG handles and ‘like’ each other’s pictures back and forth until one of you dies. Jury’s still out as to whether or not you’re hotter in person anyway, so why risk it?
Option 4: No dates, just dreams! Just conjure someone up in your pretty little head instead. My dream guy has a BMI that is 10–15% greater than mine, dark hair, good teeth AND he looks at me the way Keith Urban looks at Nicole Kidman. Have you seen him in the audience at the Oscars?! He’s softly sobbing the entire time. Keith Urban’s honey gold highlights aren’t the only thing he takes VERY good care of, I’ll tell you that for free. His love for her is palpable, you can see it in his eyes when he looks at her and they get all glossy and his pupils dilate. That could also be because she’s towering over him by approximately three feet and he’s simply struggling to bring her face into focus, I’m not actually sure. Either way, I’m dreaming up a guy who cries every time I do ANYTHING. And the best part? When I get sick of that, I dream up someone new.
Which one of these options will YOU try?!
