How to Date During a Pandemic…and other advice.

Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Go on a COVID-safe date

Another reason I need the pandemic to end is because I’ve been playing it pretty fast & loose with the IG story replies and as a result I now have a ton of plans with fringe friends that like my pics. I’m fully booked for 2024 when I can finally overpay for wine inside a restaurant again. I’m excited for it though because honestly, I need to get out. Lately, it’s been a really hostile work environment at the home office — *I* am very mean!!!

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Mourn Pre-Pandemic Life

Remember those early days back in March? So naive, so frantic! We were all raw dogging it in the streets, no masks to speak of, running through the grocery store and buying up all the Lysol, hand sanitizer and toilet paper. I’d like to think we’ve evolved since then but I don’t trust any of you.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Stop stressing about the vaccine

“But Raquel, aren’t you worried about how quickly they were able to develop the vaccine? How do we know if it’s safe?”

Babe, one time I ate an entire 12” subway sandwich on the Line 2 OK? And this was back in summer 2016 before TTC sorted out their AC issue. People were dropping like flies because of the suffocating heat and I was wedged between two questionable characters forcing a cold cut combo down my throat. Why? I literally don’t know. But I did it, that is my truth. And I don’t think I need to explain to you how unsanitary it is to have a full Eat Fresh™ buffet on public transit during peak rush hour as innocent bystanders look on in abject horror.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Work from home during a pandemic

It’s tough when your co-worker is literally YOU. I am so sick of me! I’m annoying! My commute is 30 seconds each morning and I’m always late with my hair matted and my clothes on inside out. I leave the coffee, half-drunk (drank?) for hours just growing cold and thick and staining my novelty mugs. My dirty dishes just sit on the counter from lunch until I use them again at dinner time. I’m an animal! I’d love to get me fired but I need this job to float my nasty little bathing suit buying habit.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Cut your hair in quarantine

Hacking your hair off with kitchen scissors or doing an at-home dye job sounds like a surefire way to assert some control out of a situation that feels anything but. But trust me, it will not work out. You will become a meme. Your friends will tell you it looks great but they’ll exchange worried texts back and forth outside of the group chat. Personally, I will call the police.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Meet Someone in a COVID testing lineup

Plus I have a strict 6”0 minimum height requirement and despite what his dating profile said, he was 5”10 at best. I know that’s mean but I’m just being honest. I’m a sturdy girl and not particularly short, either. I guess what I’m saying is, 10/10 I could survive a pioneer-era winter and I need my male counterpart to also be able to do that.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Survive Lockdown 2.0

A few weeks ago I posted an out of character photo of my face at an odd upward angle with my mouth slightly ajar (duck face is out, fish gape is in for those unaware) and it prompted several friends to message me asking if I was “feeling OK” or if I was “fearing for my life in any way.” ❤ my fans.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

Goodbye 2020 & Hello 2021.

While many of you were wasting time BAKING bread, I was working on MAKING bread. Because employment is so precarious right now, to safeguard my financial stability I started a side hustle, which is to say I became an independent seller #bossLADY for the legging pyramid scheme LulaRoe. Want to become an entrepreneur and join a community of women writing their own story? Message me today!

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Dress for Fall

*Sigh* Gen Z’s will never understand what it feels like to experience sudden onset diarrhea and have to maniacally ask for your bag to be let out of Aritzia BAG JAIL™ while you gird your loins in desperation. Good thing the Aritzia girlies walk FAST. And sure, maybe you shouldn’t have swallowed all that Manchu Wok beef broccoli WHOLE in the food court before coming here to try on Citizens of Humanity jeans you’d never be able to actually buy but that’s beside the point. And I know what you’re thinking, “uhmmmm ew, Raquel, did that happen to YOU?!” and the answer is absolutely not. I personally have NO IDEA what it feels like to almost shit my low rise, ripped-knee, acid wash Silver Jeans in a public place, I’m just trying to be relatable.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Earnestly celebrating Valentine’s Day?! Couldn’t be me dawg and it shouldn’t be you either. The only flowers I’ve ever received from an S/O on V-Day came from the grocery store I used to live above — kinda removes all romance when your bouquet of wilted Metro roses smells like deli meat. And anyway, I don’t really care, I can — and do — buy my own flowers, it’s why women fought so hard for equality of the sexes, so we could spend our 70 cents to every mans dollar on earth-toned bouquets.

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Raquel Farrington Raquel Farrington

HOW TO: Dry January

So to you I say, don’t let resolutioners make you feel bad!!! They’re so smug! And besides, I’m sure you’re making improvements in other aspects of your life anyway, just like me. For example, now when I’m feeling particularly busted the morning after, I elevate my hangover by drinking my low-cal Gatorade out of a wine glass. And sure, I’ll admit it’s a bit unsettling to see a beverage the colour of a highlighter sitting pretty in a Crate & Barrel goblet but it’s good to do one thing every day that scares you. Rock bottom? Don’t know her!

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