HOW TO: Dry January
Dear Raquel,
I’m trying to stop drinking for the month of January. Any tips?
Sincerely,
Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence
Dear Call me When You’re Sober by Evanescence,
Firstly, loving the sign-off. Brings me back to when I was 13 (having never been drunk a day in my life) weeping in front of my mirror as I applied yet another coat of black nail polish, singing my absolute heart out to this.
Spoiler alert: 2020 was trash and a lot of us spent it in a hazy fog — whether it be because your eyes are scorched from watching too many teenagers dance on TikTok or because you actually were drunk and thus everything is looking a little ~wavy~. Personally I now require glasses because I posted and re-watched so many of my own IG stories last year that I actually can’t see properly anymore. It’s sad because one of my “2 truths and a lie” go-tos used to be that I had 20/15 vision (Google it). My failing eyesight is a joke but also, might not be? I’m a working millennial so I don’t have benefits! But you know what they say, you can’t go blind if you never get tested.
Anyway, 2021 has only been a thing for six days and it’s already, say it with me now: going! to! shiz! Apparently bird flu is coming back? And also governments everywhere are botching the vaccine rollout. And also a bunch of terrorists are storming Capitol and making the US an even bigger, more terrifying joke. And also according to Page Six, Kim & Kanye are getting divorced — which I totally called the moment they got married but also, sad for all 13 of their super cute kids! And that massive house they live in with all the marble and sharp edges? I guess the move-out should be pretty seamless since they don’t appear to own furniture.
As you can plainly see, 2021 is a venti order of “yikes on ice” and the barista misheard your name and mistakenly spelled it “we’re fucked.” We hate it here, we really do.
Personally I am going to remain a little bit buzzed for most of January on evenings and weekends because I simply cannot grapple with my existence on this planet while sober. But I’m proud of you for taking control of your liver function and I applaud the strength, bravery and self-delusion you must possess in order to make it happen.
That being said, I can’t alienate my entire audience of six readers (love u guys)! Some of you here are probably like me and still hitting the home bar a couple times a week, yes? So to you I say, don’t let resolutioners make you feel bad!!! They’re so smug! And besides, I’m sure you’re making improvements in other aspects of your life anyway, just like me. For example, now when I’m feeling particularly busted the morning after, I elevate my hangover by drinking my low-cal Gatorade out of a wine glass. And sure, I’ll admit it’s a bit unsettling to see a beverage the colour of a highlighter sitting pretty in a Crate & Barrel goblet but it’s good to do one thing every day that scares you. Rock bottom? Don’t know her!
In summary, do dry January if ya wanna. It’s pretty simple really, just don’t drink anything. Or continue to drink but don’t tell the people you bragged to that you fell off the proverbial wagon. There are no bars to go to and parties are illegal so virtually all temptation to drink your social anxiety into a stupor has been eroded. Then next month, you can join me — guilt free — for Wet February.
