HOW TO: Survive Lockdown 2.0
HOW TO: Survive Lockdown 2.0
Dear Raquel,
Toronto has entered its second lockdown. How do I avoid going absolutely crazy like last time?
Signed,
Unhinged
Dear Unhinged,
Sometimes you just have to do what you want, even if it’s wrong. Like, post-pandemmy, I want nothing more than to get absolutely obliterated at the Queen Street Warehouse — even though I know they’re homophobic and I’ll get served with a $200 bar bill at the end of the night. Morally I’m conflicted, but I think we can all agree their grilled cheese bangs and the music, even better. I happen to love their food and not just because everything costs $4.95. Hit me with 135 bucks in margs while I chair grind and scream-sing along to the music videos, I BEG OF YOU.
This is a fancy way of saying, do what feels right. Last lockdown I made a lot of mistakes like mainlining cheap red wine on the reg and texting my ex. This time around I am GUTTED that once again everything I know and love is closed, but I’m a lot less inclined to reach out to Sociopathic Ghosts of Love Life’s Past™ to get through it.
One nasty little habit I’ve developed that gives me the quick dopamine hit my rapidly depleting serotonin so desperately needs is the subtle art of #thirst #trapping.
The inspiration came the moment I realized I am as hot NOW as I ever WILL BE. In fact, it’s been a rapid decline ever since Jan 2020 hit. I have these two wrinkles on my forehead now that foundation cakes into. I’d get filler but it’s a lockdown so, no dice. And not to be dramatic, but my lips are literally flaking off my face because the air is so dry in my apartment where I spend most of my days staring at the wall trying to remember what it feels like to overpay for a vodka soda at a bar. Instead, the prime of my life is passing me by as I stress-sweat thinking about going to the grocery store and instead starve while re-watching Parenthood…AGAIN.
I never used to post pictures of just myself online, it felt too self-indulgent and I like to keep things funny on the ‘gram buuuuuut, I’ll try anything once. A few weeks ago I posted an out of character photo of my face at an odd upward angle with my mouth slightly ajar (duck face is out, fish gape is in for those unaware) and it prompted several friends to message me asking if I was “feeling OK” or if I was “fearing for my life in any way.” ❤ my fans.
Humbling to have to explain to several of my closest friends that I was simply trying to get virtually dicked down. Anyway, will def continue chronicling this dumpster-fire year with sensual photos of my face and outfit pics because I’ve got maybe two good years left before it all goes to hell. And not to really be a downer but I have this lingering fear that we’re going to sort COVID out right in time for climate change to go all Day After Tomorrow on us. I don’t know about you but personally I can’t handle extreme fluctuations in weather — I have the body for Fall and the face for radio and if temperatures rise uncontrollably I WILL melt like the Wicked Witch of the West — and what will that mean for my landlord’s re-sale value when my rotting corpse is discovered only because the stench has begun permeating the hallway and neighbours are complaining???
I don’t have any advice for taking the perfect thirst trap because I like to keep things 10% uglier and fatter online. That way when I show up to an in-person date post-COVID and start hitting the cocktails on your dime, no one is shocked. That’s a #courtesy because I am so #selfless.
My friends use fancy editing apps but I forget the names of them so I can’t help you out there. I’m far too lazy for that kind of effort. I filter almost exclusively with “Nashville” and post most pics at odd hours of the night while tossing back my fourth glass of vino. I used to work in social media so I COULD do better but I don’t WANT to. Not caring is kind of my brand. That being said, can you like + comment on my latest IG? Need the clout.
We will get through this together.
