HOW TO: Meet Someone in a COVID testing lineup

Dear Raquel,

How do I meet someone during a pandemic when everything is closed?

Sincerely,

Lonely

Dear Lonely,

Grrrrrrreat question! Right when you stop looking, suitors just come out of the woodwork — like termites! But you have to actually go where the wood is. And you’re right, every social venue is closed right now which sucks and makes it way harder. You need to get creative and think OUTSIDE the box, and INSIDE a 165-person deep COVID testing centre lineup. Hear me out…

Prior to this godforsaken pandemic, I wouldn’t even go to a doctor for a routine physical but now I don’t think twice about standing 2.5 hours in a long ass line to get a rod shoved up my nose. Worse things have been up there anyway! And if you employ me, then that is obviously a joke.

But for real, I went to be courteous. My dad is approximately one thousand years old and sometimes I go visit him because he’s pension rich now and bought a cute cabin-style house that smells like cedar and sits on lakefront property. It’s his full-time home, but for me — a freeloader — it’s a cottage and it would be a real bummer of a long weekend if I accidentally killed him during my visit.

So off I went. Work was slow so I just quietly left my apartment (office) and headed to the neighbourhood testing centre. “Coffee breaks” in 2020 hit diff! It would have been nice to know a full-out camera crew was planning on coming to film the line though. A reporter even came up to me and asked if I wanted to be interviewed. NO WAY, babe! I’m not going viral for saying something dumb on CP24 when I have 42 unread emails and my boss thinks I’m, you know, answering them.

Quick background in case you haven’t had one of these terrible tests. They actually kinda hurt, but for this one (my first) I was so nervous I didn’t even feel it. My heart rate was 144!!!! Sometimes I can’t even reach that during a HIIT workout in a literal gym. My anxiety WILL kill me one day, mark my words. Can you imagine if I could channel that energy into something more productive? I’d definitely be Prime Minister by now and the term “I did a thing” would be illegal.

Anyway. I met a guy while fully masked and gasping for air. And if I can do it, SO [clap emoji], CAN [clap emoji], YOU [clap emoji]!

It all started because while waiting in the line people kept coming up to me asking why we were lined up, how long I’d been waiting, etc. It was as if I was wearing scrubs and a name tag — which is hilarious as the only thing I know about #science is that “the Mitochondria is the Powerhouse of the Cell” and I learned that from widely-acclaimed children’s television show The Magic School Bus, not even a real life school. After the fifth person finished asking me for medical advice the guy behind me said “you must look so much more approachable than me.”

It was funny because I don’t think I have an approachable energy about me at all and he was literally wearing a red Rolling Stones t-shirt and cargo shorts. I, on the other hand, was unintentionally dressed like a Wiccan Priestess.

Anyway, good on him. He breaks the ice and we start talking because truly, there’s nothing else to do. I learn he’s an accountant, he just moved to the city, he lives with friends on King West and he’s going to a cottage on the weekend. I find out where he went to school, where he grew up, what his parents do. Come to think of it, I think we were on a…date? Anyway, I physically cannot stop talking on a good day much less when I am next level *freaking out*, so I was rambling on and on while also trying to breathe as my heart palpitated out of my chest.

The distraction was helpful and we talked right up until it was my time to go in and have my brain poked. Shaking, I turned to him and with crazy eyes said “I’m so nervous.” I couldn’t help it! Medical stuff scares me. I got a cavity filled two years ago and I almost blacked out. I’m WEAK.

Very nicely he said, “Awwww, don’t be nervous. If I could, I’d come with you and hold your hand.” Which in the moment was actually very sweet.

After my test I ran home to shower and burn my clothes and didn’t see my new friend or think much about him at all. Then, later that evening I was aimlessly swiping through the catalogue of local males on Hinge and found him.

I matched him for a laugh and he wrote back, “really hope we don’t have it. If our results are good, let’s grab drinks to celebrate.”

Celebration drinks if we both score negative on our nasal swabs? Hmmm no thanks. That’s too “peak 2020” for me and besides I haven’t celebrated such a sad thing since 2008 when I bought myself a Roxy bedspread after scoring my first part-time job at a pharmacy where my “shifts” were literally TWO HOURS LONG.

Besides, his name is Chase which is the millennial, male equivalent to “Karen” (I just decided) and he gave off “LinkedIn influencer vibes.” Plus I have a strict 6”0 minimum height requirement and despite what his dating profile said, he was 5”10 at best. I know that’s mean but I’m just being honest. I’m a sturdy girl and not particularly short, either. I guess what I’m saying is, 10/10 I could survive a pioneer-era winter and I need my male counterpart to also be able to do that.

I know what you’re thinking: the bar is low. And you’d be right. You drive a car that isn’t your moms? You’ve been to a dentist? Esthetically you look like you could cultivate your own land and go without a reliable food source for 30+ days? Fire up the IG live my guy, because we’re getting married TONIGHT!

Anyway, all this to say, Chase — my COVID line lover — was none of those things.

So while he isn’t for me, he could have been for YOU. Objectively, he was cute and nice and an accountant, which I think we can all agree is boring as hell but stable which in this dumpster fire world we’re living in is all you can ask for. Bonus: everyone is kind of hot with a mask on, so work on your SMIZE and you too could find love in a VERY hopeless place. If he had been my type this would have been the funniest ‘meet cute’ tale but we can’t have everything we want, can we?!

So get that test, girlie! It will burn your brain and make you cry but you just might meet the love of your life in the process.